What 2018 Brought Me, But Mostly Taught Me
At the beginning of this year, I was genuinely curious about what it would bring. Of course, I had a preconceived idea of business growth, the prospect of a long lasting relationship, more travel, etc. After all, I am only human and blessed with the ready-set-go imagination that matches Anne Shirley’s (from Anne with an “E”).
Imagine (!) my surprise when I realized, over the course of the past week, that I have nothing to show for the above desires, and am currently hosting more questions than answers.
In hindsight, 2018 has been much about patience — patience with myself most of all.
Continuing on the story about the stories we tell ourselves, the beliefs we live by, I had become quite attached to my ideas about the Universe, reincarnation, my Soul, my personality, and my potential. Which is, again, totally normal for any human being with an Ego. These were beliefs I used as perspectives on my life, and with which I would identify. I realize I am using the past tense as if I don’t identify with these beliefs anymore, and in a way I don’t. At this point, however, I am not fully detached from them either. The way I see it, is that the beliefs that used to be fixed in my brain, are now dangling on loose threads. They are open for much discussion.
As a result, I am frequently in an uncomfortable state of mind.
To describe it more precisely, every “big” belief that I still hold in my mind, now carries several question marks. So, I still believe there is something bigger than us, something that connects the dots of our existence, but the definition of it carries a huge question mark. Is it Consciousness? God? Our Natural State of Being? The Universe itself?
With regards to the Soul — which in my mind directly refers to reincarnation — the questions arise whether this is truly an infinite part of me, or whether that is simply what my Ego wishes it to be. Indeed, Ego doesn’t want to die so to invent something infinite, and a story that reassures it is not Ego itself, does come in quite handy. But then, where did all those memories from past lives come from? I didn’t consciously imagine them, nor was I dreaming at the time, so how did they come to be?
You may think that I am currently walking around like a headless chicken, with no clue what to do.
Funny enough, it is quite the opposite.
What has become easier than ever, is to be guided by my intuition. I am still calling this “intuition” because it makes most sense to you, my dear reader, and I haven’t found a plausible word to replace it. It is the inkling, the feeling that I have described in other posts: a “yes” is a feeling of wide openness, as if I am at the front bow of the Titanic, spreading my arms in a Kate Winslet way (mind you, the ship may have sunk but she survived!); a “no” is a feeling of walking into a brick wall whilst choking on a plastic bag (they float around a lot in the ocean these days…).
So, while my mind is very uncomfortable with my repeated phases of questioning how Life works, the rest of me — whatever I wish to call “the rest of me” — is fine with it. Moreover, it couldn’t care less.
Therefore, if there’s anything I can say about the meaning of my life it is that it does not show in all the questions I have, it comes up in how I FEEL. Not like a flimsy emotion, but a feeling that originates from my core being (whatever that may be) and holds me in love. It’s a total trust, a non-dual, non-judgmental LOVE and it’s always there. The only thing standing in the way between me and that feeling…are my own thoughts. The moment I stop questioning and start feeling, the whole world comes together in my heart.
Speaking of the heart, in a way, this post feels like a thank you note to myself. For putting up with me over the course of the year, but mostly for listening. For listening and trusting that that is enough. No big success stories, no grand love tales or travel memoirs for me — yet. Just the being of whomever that is, in whatever way it thinks, from one moment to the next.
— You’re welcome.
Can I have some more, please?